mardi, août 01, 2006
Israeli intelligence agency
President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do ?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression:'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."
The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch ?"
The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."
Libellés : english
samedi, mars 11, 2006
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE !
Reçu par courriel. Malheureusement c'est en anglais. Désolé pour les personnes qui ne comprennent pas l'anglais.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. IT REALLY WORKS.
Libellés : english
jeudi, mai 05, 2005
Some very good facts about Project Management
2 Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
3 You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
4 At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
5 A problem shared is a buck passed.
6 A change freeze is like the abominable snowman, it is a myth and would melt anyway when heat is applied.
7 A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
8 Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
9 What you don't know hurts you
10 There's never enough time to do it right first time, but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
11 The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
12 I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
13 What is not on paper has not been said.
14 A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
15 If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
16 If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
17 There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
18 The more you plan the luckier you get.
19 A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
20 If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
21 Everyone asks for a strong project manger, when they get them they don't want them.
22 Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination.
23 Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
24 The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
25 For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
26 Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
27 Fast - Cheap - Good. You can have any two.
28 There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
29 The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
30 A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
31 When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
32 A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected. A well planned project only twice as long as expected.
33 Warning! Dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
34 Anything that can be changed will be changed, until there is no time left to change anything.
35 If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week, but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
36 No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement.
37 Activity is not achievement.
38 Managing I.T. people is like herding cats.
39 If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
40 If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
41 The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most, is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
42 The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
43 The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
44 Good control reveals problems early, which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.
